Lee's Funnies

#1:

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.

He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He 
knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they 
know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"

"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his 
daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, it's what your mother 
sometimes calls me." (which is "dear" = "deer")

"We're eating asshole!!"

#2:

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 
times faster than it does today?

We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would 
bleed to death.

#3:

Wife: You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes 
out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears 
and comes out of the mouth.

#4:

When my friend and I went for a swim near the mouth of the 
Zambezi River in Zambique, I asked a young boy who was 
fishing nearby whether there were sharks in the water.

"No" he answered. My friend and I jumped into the water and 
started swimming. After several minutes, I called out to the 
boy "Are you sure there are no sharks here?"

"No sharks" he replied. "Sharks are afraid of crocodiles."

#5:

On an African Safari, the native guide was asked how to keep 
from being attacked by wild animals at night.

"Just carry a lighted torch" he suggested.

"Does that really work?" the questioner persisted.

"It depends" said the guide "on how fast you carry it."

#6:

"Mommy has no idea how to raise children" said the child to 
his father.

"How can you say such a thing?" replied the father.

"Well, Mommy sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy 
and wakes me up in the morning when I'm still sleepy."

#7:

A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

"We have three" says the shopkeeper."This blue one speaks 
four languages and it costs $1000 and the red one knows six 
languages and it costs $2000. The orange one over there 
costs $3000 but doesn't talk at all."

"Three thousand!" exclaims the man. "How come it's more 
expensive?"

"Well, we don't know what he does, but the other two parrots 
call him 'Boss.'"

#8:

"Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating 
room?" the hospital administrator asked the patient.

"Because the nurse said 'Don't be afraid! An appendectomy is 
quite simple.'"

"So ..."

"So?" exclaimed the man ... "She was talking to the doctor!"

#9:

"Swimming" said the boy to his cousin "is the best exercise. 
It can keep everyone slim and trim."

"You think so?" mumbled the cousin. "Then how come I've 
never seen a skinny whale?"

#10:

My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME.

Because it makes an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME."

#11:

Customer: How much is that tie?

Salesman: Forty dollars. 

Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much 
money.

Salesman: But how would a pair of shoes look around your 
neck?

#12:

Jimmy: Mum, can I have two pieces of cake?

Mum: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

#13:

Woman: How can I ever repay you for your kindness and  
consideration to me?

Man: By cheque, money order or cash.

#14:

Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am 
comfortably seated.

Lily: So what do you do?

Sam: I close my eyes.

#15:

Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

Pupil: No, sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them 
last week.

#16:

Mum: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?


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