Lee's Funnies
The Nonabelian Names of God
THE NONABELIAN NAMES OF GOD*
V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock,
and W.C. Gall
Ph.D-branes and Special Agents for the I.T.P.**
ABSTRACT
A summary of mysterious recent developments in high-energy theory.
This report is to be classified as part of the Theta-Files.
*Typeset in HTML by Rosetta Stone.
**Institute for Time reversal and Parity.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNLO
Introduction
We report here on some recent developments in
"The Theory Formerly Known As String Theory", which we will denote by the
symbol
.
The most recent of these is that there doesn't seem to be any more string
theory in it: No quantum calculations, no conformal field theory [1], no
massive states [2], etc.
We use Bjorken And Drell (BAD) conventions and reverse Polish notation.
Solar neutrino flux, as measured at Super KaramelKandy [3], is given in SNU*.
*What's SNU? Not much; what's SNU with you?
Unification
The most important discovery in string theories is the revelation that they
are all the same [4]:
|
D=11 batgravity
|
This has been termed the "Götterdämmerung" of string theory,
since appearance of the extra dimension and membranes [5] has resulted in
the loss of predictability and renormalizability, which were the only reasons
for string theory unification in the first place.
|
|
| This is your brain. |
This is your brain on branes.
Any questions? |
Calculations
|
|
Bhabha scattering causes Lamb shift
|
This 4-point amplitude has the remarkable feature that the s, t, and u quarks
[6], which appear in the s, t, and u channels, represent S, T, and U duality [7],
with respect to the proper time s, time t, and worldline length u,
respectively. Since it is conformal, it can be derived from M(aldacena) theory
[8-9] in the limit 0 -> hbar (but only in the large colon approximation), where
singletons become princetons [10]. Then it is calculated on ADS (Amplitude
Deficiency Syndrome) space. In that approximation we only have
Weylation of violin variance for a little Weyl. The high-energy limit can also
be taken by use of the Curt-Kurt equation. Here we have used the Bored
transform:
B(z) = a + bz + czzzz....
These results can be compared favorably with those from the recent g/2-1
experiment (which is twice as accurate as previous g-2 experiments), where
g is the well-known "Ridyard coupling", which appears in
as one of the moduli oblongati. We have used soft explicit supersymmetry
breaking to avoid producing a Goldstino [11]. This term is added to the usual
Higgs potential:
Unsolved problems
- If dark matter fell into a black hole, would anybody notice?
- How bright is a neutrino star?
Appendix
Stages of theory development:
- No examples: Theory is useless.
- One example: Theory is unique!
- Two examples: Theory reveals new "duality".
- Many examples: Theory can be fit to experiment.
- Infinity of examples: Theory is useless.
Lost Feynman rules:
- Don't run with scissors.
- "i" before "e", except after "c", ...
- Don't let the sun catch you crying.
- Never leave your campfire burning in the Sahara Forest.
- When in doubt, um, ...
Glossary
Abstract: Introduction
duality: twice nothing is still nothing
field theory: mechanics
formal theory: theory lacking substance
holography: living on the edge
Introduction: Body
modulus: parameter
nonperturbative: classical
phenomenology: fudge
prepotential: superpotential
proposed: conjectured
quantum: classical, but with derivatives
References: Proposed referees
second quantization: replacing the mechanisms of quantum
mechanics with the theorems of field theory
semiclassical: classical
solvable: only scattering at 0 and
180° can be calculated
star: a planet on asteroids
statistical mechanics: field theory for people with low energy
trivial: disagrees with our assumptions
weatherology: the study of meteors
well-known: lore
Dictionary of common phrases
"their exciting new result" -----
"We can't find anything better to work on."
"we extend the results of" -----
"We do the real work."
"confirming our earlier results" -----
"They couldn't calculate anything either."
"in complete agreement with experiment" -----
"SSC is dead."
"To begin" -----
"... the boring part"
"can be described by the equation" -----
"Skip the next bit."
"as we recall from the previous section" -----
"Better skip this section, too."
"beyond the scope of this paper" -----
"We don't understand this part."
"In conclusion" -----
"Thank goodness."
"our results differ from those of" -----
"Jerks."
"in a future paper" -----
"I want a job."
"in prepraration" -----
"We're stuck."
"Your theory is beautiful." -----
"Your blind date has a nice personality."
"We'll have to save further questions for the end of the talk." -----
"You've found the crucial flaw in the theory, so give everyone a chance to
run away before it hits the fan."
REFERENCES
- J.H. Warts, Conformal field theory is a no-braner, Flatland preprint.
- U.Z. Broom, Breaking of furniture by vacuum, Hoover preprint.
- Carroll O'Connor,
Superkamioconductivity, Nuet. Phys. B137 (1999) 861.
- Hay Nanynany and Ha Chacha, DOMIN(atrix) theory: T.O.E. or T.O.Y.?,
hep/cat-12341234.
- Victor Frankenstein,
Brane-dead models with supercemetary, Lex Luthor Lab preprint.
J.A. Wheeler, Strings without strings yield branes without brains,
preprint without preprint.
- Muster Mark, Uptown quarks and georgino-glashon scattering, in
finitesimal.
- DJ Jazzy Gross, Coupling of self-dual Yang-Mills to anti-self-dual
Yin-Mills, CTP symmetry group preprint .
- Green in the Banks, The return of the
cosmohological constant, Mendecino preprint.
- Andy D. Sitter, AdS2 as a model for the potato chip, Hahv'd postprint.
- P. Goober, I. Clubenough, and I.M. Pullyourleg, Coholography, to appear
at the boundary.
- H. Goldstein, Classical mechanics (Addison-Wesley, 1950).
- Al G. Brake, N=2 happymultiplets and vegetable shortening,
hip/pth-9999999 .
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