Lee's Funnies

                                                          
                                                               
                    Overheard on Airlines

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray 
tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most 
uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are 
only four ways out of this airplane ..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the 
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with 
our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must 
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will 
escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught 
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane 
immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is 
shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to 
Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the 
world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so 
I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to 
move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane 
until we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on 
the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business 
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much 
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After waiting on a runway for another airliner to cross in 
front, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve 
their luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward 
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a 
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during 
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until 
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate 
will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As a plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington 
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, 
big fella ... WHOA!"

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose 
pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. 
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before 
assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of 
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed 
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave 
children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are 
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the 
industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."


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