Lee's Funnies

 

Some Blurbs from Andy Rooney

Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in
with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put
garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana
peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me: (sniff) 'Married'
(walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the
ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would
that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The
men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up
and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They
say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel
awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to
feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give
me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take
a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have
bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board
to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They
have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.

Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say
"I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting
"I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud) "Sometimes
you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This
guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say I'm not in the
mood."

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm
out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic.
Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


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