Lee's Funnies
Actual answering machine messages!
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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored
for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able
to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of
illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further
explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone. Thank you.
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.
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(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your
name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to
leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you
want to leave your number and the time you called, please
press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud
and (BEEP)
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'Ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave
your name and number, and prepare to die.
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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy
Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not ...
er ... Bear a ... er ... Shalt not witness thy ... uh ...
Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false ... er ... Shalt not commit a
bear ... Dern ...
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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN
come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW,
recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW,
like, when you're listening to it ... I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
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Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the
sound of the tone, please hang up.
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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are
eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien
beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
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(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped
in a world without time, where sound collides with color and
shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- This is no
ordinary telephone answering device ... You have reached,
"The Twilight Phone."
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Thank you for calling 967-7013. If you wish to speak to
Keith, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to
speak to Sally, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you
have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a
good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we
have a big-time phone system.
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Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number
you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
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Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa
egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof
uoy knahT.
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The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The
new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
message after the beep.
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Hello, this is Bob. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith
& Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets
it.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
why we're not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you.
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