Lee's Funnies

 

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY
THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING
MACHINE ANSWERS (The names have been changed to protect the
innocent)

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. Who are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets. (My Favorite!)

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or
a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
through their office and do not need their picture taken. If
you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine ... this is a
telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think
about your name, your number and your reason for calling and
I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until
I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a
message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message and when
we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.


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