Lee's Funnies

                                                          
                                                               
          If architects had to work like programmers ...

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of 
what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. 
Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be 
easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to 
me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, 
bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that 
I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost 
less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, 
however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in 
my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I 
walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough 
insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly 
maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the 
incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, 
or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, 
be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest 
materials are used in construction of the house, as I want 
it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and 
methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be 
designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson 
refrigerator.

To assure that you are building the correct house for our 
entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, 
and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong 
feelings about how the house should be designed, since she 
visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all 
of these options carefully and come to the right decision. 
I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that 
you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your 
job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get 
the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not 
appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpeting. 
However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the 
resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is 
to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve 
these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under 
roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep 
in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to 
someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide 
variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you 
finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the 
potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features 
this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor 
built last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many 
things that we feel we also need in our new home, 
particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful 
engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new 
house without impacting the construction cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not 
necessary at this time to do the real design, since they 
will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, 
however, that you will be held accountable for any increase 
of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting 
project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and 
materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is 
something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon 
as possible with your ideas and completed plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of 
the instructions I've given you in this letter. As 
architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these 
differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable 
to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, 
I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel 
trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the 
case.


Click here to return to the main page