Lee's Funnies
Dumb Crooks
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he
refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
At this point the robber took his driver's license out of
his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it
over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
---------------------------------------
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the
report called the phone and told the guy that answered that
he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
---------------------------------------
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote
"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and
left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who
arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America.
---------------------------------------
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his
car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a
photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another
picture ... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the
money for the fine.
---------------------------------------
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed
robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones
said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself
until the store manager testified that Newton was the
robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and
then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off."
The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the
one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict
Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
---------------------------------------
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers
who were showing their squad car computer equipment to
children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the
system worked, the officer asked him for identification.
Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into
the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan
because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted
for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
---------------------------------------
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a
record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one
shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
---------------------------------------
Cigars and Insurance: A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased
a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them
against fire among other things. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim,
the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The man sued ... and won. In delivering the
ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous,
stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against
fire, without defining what it considered to be
"unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After
the man cashed the check, however, the company had him
arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim
and testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.
Click here to return to the main page