Lee's Funnies

                                                          

Here are the first of the 1999 Darwin Award Nominations.

The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains 
of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to 
improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who 
have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves in 
the most extraordinarily stupid way. The Awards commemorate 
those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing 
themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable 
weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further 
ado, the first candidate for '99:

A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his 
Home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 
6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, 
black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared 
that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's  uniform look. 
He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter 
canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. 
The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden 
section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches 
in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for 
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. 
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his 
death to His family members "very awkward."

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low 
altitude when another plane approached. It appears they 
decided to "moon" at the occupants of the other plane, but 
lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found 
dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made 
to 911. She had no details before arriving except that 
someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. 
Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the 
couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse 
and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around 
his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the 
man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the 
police made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed 
that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon 
flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his 
death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis 
between the cushions, down into the hole and between two 
electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious 
reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the ... 
ahem ... discharge shorted out one of the sanders, 
electrocuting him to death.

(AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the 
name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after 
responding to complaints from neighbours that a bad smell 
was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, 
officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the 
apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the 
toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from 
magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said 
Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything 
looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended  
and a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, 
however. Police described the man as having "concocted a 
wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various  
pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move 
about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of 
nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he 
could find his way, But according to Hradj, "He had almost 
no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The man 
was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging 
lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police 
officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his 
head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was 
chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death 
trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According 
to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's 
never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. 
Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin 
requested that his name be withheld.

A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk 
cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed 
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made 
him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The 
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing 
both him and his sister.

A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a 
highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously 
injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace 
road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin 
nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's 
attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, 
which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove 
along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save 
the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

... and the current favourite. MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT, 
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -- A 39-year-old 
Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident 
involving his washing machine. According to police reports, 
Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to 
speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff 
approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine 
by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the 
clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently 
accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When 
the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both 
feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The 
machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free 
himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator 
went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby 
shelf in the laundry room, Knocking over a bottle of bleach, 
which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic 
reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the 
bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free 
himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the 
laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a 
large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the 
dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and 
the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda 
resulted in "a small explosion," according to police 
reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson 
remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went 
into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at 
about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. 
Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind 
the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbour 
heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was 
pronounced dead at the scene.


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