Lee's Funnies

"I thought you would like a funny article I found in our local
newspaper." "A daring thief who stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his
pants learned that crime doesn't pay when the frisky creatures gave
him a vasectomy. Police say that the 34-year-old shoplifter was
leaving a Bristol, England supermarket when he removed the lobsters
from their tank and shoved them in his trousers. The man sprinted past
stunned check-out girls, but came to a screeching halt when he felt
the lobsters clutching his manhood. The thorny creatures were finally
removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors
say the thief will fully recover from his frightening tangle with the
lobsters, but he will never be a daddy. 'Basically, it was a
do-it-yourself vasectomy', said the doctor. 'The patient's sexual
abilities will be restored in time, but he will not be able to father
children.' The thief's painful prank landed him in the hospital where
he is expected to remain for three or four weeks. But thanks to a
kindhearted supermarket manager he will not be charged with any crime.
'The guy's gone through enough pain,' said the store manager. 'I think
he has learned his lesson, I doubt if he'll ever steal again.'"

Submitted on 12/22/00

Armed robber accidentally blows himself up.
 
A man in India walked into a pawn shop with a bomb strapped to his
body. He threatened that that he would set it off unless all of the
jewelry was handed over. The owner raised the alarm and the robber
fled. As he was running out the door he tripped and fell onto the
sidewalk setting off the bomb and blew himself to pieces. Batlagundu
Dindigul district police said that the man died instantly and that the
biggest piece of him that they could find was no bigger than a
grapefruit.

Submitted on 01/22/01

Workin' on the rairoad  

2000 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

Several years ago at a locomotive repair facility in Virgina, a brand
new locomotive was brought in for repair after being involved in an
accident. While repairing the fuel tank of the locomotive a
significant amount of deisel fuel was spilled on the shop floor. The
foreman assigned two shop laborers to clean the spill up. As they
worked, the laborers got into an argument about the flamability of
deisel fuel. One of the workers had seen a demonstration on David
Letterman's television show the previous night where a science teacher
extinguished Mr. Letterman's cigar in a jar filled with deisel fuel.
He decided to demostrate this principle to his coworker. He looked
around and, unable to find a match, he went up into the cab of the
locomotive and retrieved a road flare. He struck the flare and threw
it into the spilled fuel. Unfortunately, road flares burn much hotter
than cigars do. Additionally, the spill was not deep enough to
submerge the flare. The fuel ignited quite easily. The workers escaped
injury, but the locomotive was a total loss and there was about $2
million in damages to the repair facility.

Submitted on 01/25/01
 
A would-be thief, after spending some time watching a bartender at
Fanelli's, a local bar, broke into the establishment shortly after the
bartender had closed down and left. He broke a window, climbed in the
building, and went directly to the the place where a bank bag
containing roughly $1000 was stored. He left before police could
arrive after the alarms went off, but he left a trail of blood from
cuts to his hand from the broken glass.

Apparently ecouraged by his success at this easy robbery, he went less
than two blocks to a Maverick Market convenience store, paid for gas
with a roll of quarters, and then went into the restroom to wash blood
trickling from a rag wrapped around his hand. All of this, of course,
on the store cameras.

To make things easier for the police, he went back into the same bar
two nights later, sporting major lacerations on his hand. The
bartender called the police, who got a search warrant for his car and
typed the blood in his car with the blood found at the bar, as well as
identifying him from the store video.

He is not dead, but is certain to spend some prison time. Who knows?
He may yet do something to earn a Darwin Award in the future.

Submitted on 01/20/01

Alaska Snowmachinist  

2000 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

Winters in Alaska are long and boring - so when the weather even
cooperates for the slightest bit ... the snowmachines comes out in
force. One Darwinian worthy mention comes from the practice of running
your machine (at breakneck speeds no less) across OPEN WATER (on lakes
or rivers) ... so it's pretty common to loose a few from the gene pool
in this manner. BUT this time the snowmachinists are all riding in
circles around a large hill and then veering up the steep slope and
jumping (both machine & rider) off the ledge - only to land and go
around the hill again. After a few tries of this it loses its appeal
and one particular individiual decides to show off by jumping his
machine at the same time someone is jumping on the other side (so they
pass in mid-air ... you know, you've seen it in the movies so it can
be done). A slight miscalculation compounds an already dumb idea and
as the riders jump - the ski of one machine nails the other rider in
the head. The impact rips the helmet from the rider's head and results
in massive head trauma of which he died the next day

AND THE WINNER IS
Wedgie to the Tenth Power 
2000 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

A true story. 

When I was studying in Ireland, I took up rugby. As my first season
wore on, the lads and I were scheduled to play a team which had a
violent reputation. Considering that we weren't the most talented
outfit to have ever taken the field we decided to accept the challenge
with a "do or die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing our
way. They didn't and to make things worse our star player, Alan,
dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was
clearly in a lot of pain, so we all stood back to watch the medic, who
in one swift movement, managed to slot the hip back into its socket.
Then Alan began a long, blood-curdling scream. To our horror we
realised that one of his testicles had also been jammed into the
socket, and was now firmly held in place by the hip. Incidentally,
Alan managed to rip a vocal chord with his screaming. (Thanks to P.
Oulet, London SW1 for that story).

Submitted on 01/16/01


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