Lee's Funnies

                                                          

                            Dating Rules and Guidelines

The Rules for dating my daughter ...

Now that you have completed and submitted the application to 
date my daughter, you need to familiarize yourself with the 
following rules for appropriate conduct.

If you expect to have a difficult time remembering these 
rules, I would be happy to subsidize having them tattooed to 
your arm.

Now if you need to have a friend read them to you, please 
save us all a lot of time and pain and simply tear up your 
application. The dating thing ... it ain't happenin'

Also, if I call out jovially when you arrive at the house. 
"I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're 
stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" Don't take 
it personally, just take it somewhere else.

These rules are cast in stone, and there is no compromise or 
negotiation whatsoever

... Have a nice evening.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be 
delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not 
picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance 
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her 
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my 
daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of 
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear 
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an 
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. 
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, 
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with 
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and 
I will not object. However, In order to assure that your 
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your 
date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun 
and fasten your trousers securely in place around your 
waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without 
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let 
me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I 
WILL kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk 
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please 
do not do this. The only information I require from you is 
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely 
back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this 
subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many 
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as 
long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you 
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date 
no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make 
her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to 
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and 
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should 
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a 
process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate 
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do 
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my 
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything 
softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no 
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where 
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding 
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is 
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, 
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a 
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's 
apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to 
be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey 
games are okay.

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron


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