Lee's Funnies

                                                          

                             12 Days of Christmas Letter

December 14th 

Dearest John: 

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a 
partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't 
have been more surprised. 

With dearest love and affection, Agnes 

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December 15th 

Dearest John: 

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just 
imagine, two turtle doves ... I'm just delighted at your 
very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. 

All my love, Agnes 

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December 16th 

Dear John: 

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I 
don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are 
just darling but I must insist ... you're just too kind. 

Love Agnes 

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December 17th 

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! 
They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? 
You're being too romantic. 

Affectionately, Agnes 

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December 18th 

Dearest John: 

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden 
rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I 
love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were 
beginning to get on my nerves. 

All my love, Agnes 

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December 19th 

Dear John: 

When I opened the door there were actually six geese 
a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds 
again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep 
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep 
through the racket. PLEASE STOP! 

Cordially, Agnes 

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December 20th 

John: 

What's with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans 
a-swimming. What kind of stupid joke is this? There's bird 
poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm 
a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY 
... So stop with those fricking birds! 

Sincerely, Agnes 

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December 21st 

OK Buster: 

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do 
with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those 
birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their 
own stupid cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't 
move into my own house. Just lay off me.  

Ag 

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December 22nd 

Hey Buttface: 

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers 
playing. And geeeez - do they play. They never stopped 
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. 
The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching 
birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The 
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get 
yours. 

From Ag 

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You Rotten Prick: 

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call 
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers 
all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got 
diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The 
commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause 
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the 
police on you. 

One who means it, Ag 

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December 24th 

Listen You S.O.B.: 

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and 
aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never 
walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been 
committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are 
dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope 
you're satisfied, you rotten swine. 

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister 

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December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) 

Dear Sir: 

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers 
fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, 
Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was 
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If 
you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale 
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on 
sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for 
your arrest.


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