Lee's Funnies

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate
between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W Bush.  The
candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a
question.  The candidate will ignore the question and
deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to
respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting
for him.  When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper
softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice
president.  Mr Gore, can you give us the name of a
downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a
way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:  As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30
years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a
clear choice in this election.  My opponent wants to cut
taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.  I, on the
other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron
clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta
Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.  Mrs Frampinhamper has
been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas
so that she can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:  Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:  Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a
photo opportunity exists.  I want to empower those crying
people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent,
whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:  Let's turn to foreign affairs.  Gov. Bush, if
Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power
in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush:  The current administration had eight years to deal
with that guy and didn't get it done.  If I'm elected, the
first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney
confer with our allies.  And then Dick would present me
several options for dealing with that guy.  And then Dick
would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of
Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every
day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:  Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:  Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
interested in. I served my country in Vietnam.  I had an
uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I
myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that
war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper
in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to
deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by
putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American
people deserve a resident who can comfort them with simple
metaphors.

Lehrer:  Vice President Gore, how would you reform the
Social Security system?

Gore:  It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and
I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us
to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it
cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year
2250.  In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the
next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a
federal employee who willalso help them with the child-proof
cap.

Lehrer:  Gov. Bush?

Bush:  That's fuzzy math.  I know, because as governor of
Texas, I have to do math every day.  I have to add up the
numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on
Rt 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep
barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer:  It's time for closing statements.

Gore:  I'm my own man.  I may not be the most exciting
politician, but I will fight for the working families of
America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty
pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:  It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past
by electing no one but Republicans.


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