Lee's Funnies

                                                          

                                "Dilbert" quotes 

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They 
were looking for people to submit quotes from their real 
life Dilbert-type managers.  Here are the finalists: 

1)  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access 
the building using individual security cards.  Pictures will 
be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their 
cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred 
Dales at Microsoft in Redmond, WA) 

2)  What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we 
will encounter (Lykes Lines Shipping) 

3)  E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  
It should be used only for company business. (Electric Boat 
Company) 

4)  This project is so important we can't let things that 
are more important interfere with it. (United Parcel 
Service) 

5)  Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the 
schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one 
day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy 
for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell 
them. (Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing) 

6)  My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page 
report that only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I 
gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I 
gave her was write-protected. (Dell Computers) 

7)  "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Citrix 
Corp.) 

8)  My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for 
Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I 
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He 
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday because, 
he said "That would be better for me." 

9)  We know that communication is a problem, but the company 
is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long 
Lines Div.) 

10)  As director of communications I was asked to prepare a 
memo reviewing our company's training programs and 
materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I 
mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the 
training manuals. The next day I was called into the HR 
director's office and was told the Executive Vice President 
wanted me "out of the building by lunch." When I asked why, 
I was told she wouldn't stand for perverts. He showed me the 
memo with her demand that I be fired and the word 
"pedagogical" circled in red. The manager was reasonable and 
agreed to look up the word in the dictionary and sent her a 
copy of the definition. Two days later the entire staff 
received a memo directing us that no words which could not 
be found in the local Sunday paper should be used in company 
memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with the new 
company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting 
words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corp.)


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