Lee's Funnies
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
*Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
*Dogs miss you when you're gone.
*You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
*Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
*Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
*Dogs don't criticize your friends.
*Dogs admit when they're jealous.
*Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
*Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they
never laugh at how you throw)
*Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because
they know the most important thing is that you're together.
*Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
*No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
*You can train a dog.
*Dogs are easy to buy for.
*Dogs are good with kids.
*Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
*You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
*Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
*The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, The really worst disease you can get from them is
rabies but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the
one that gives it to you.)
*Dogs understand what no means.
*Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
*Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
*Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come
inside.
*Dogs do not read at the table.
*Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
*You can house train a dog.
*You can force a dog to take a bath.
*Dogs don't correct your stories.
*Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a
younger owner.
*Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
*Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
*Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
*Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
*Dogs admit it when they're lost.
*Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
*Dogs look at your eyes.
*Dogs like your size.
*Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
*Dogs take care of their own needs.
*Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
*Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
*Dogs are nice to your relatives.
*Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
*Both take up too much space on the bed.
*Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
*Both are threatened by their own kind.
*Both like to chew wood.
*Both mark their territory.
*Both are bad at asking you questions.
*Neither tells you what's bothering them.
*Both tend to smell riper with age.
*Neither does any dishes.
*Both fart shamelessly.
*Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
*Both like dominance games.
*Both are suspicious of the postman.
*Neither understands what you see in cats.
WHERE DOGS FALL DOWN
*Men have only two feet to track in mud.
*Men can buy you presents.
*Men don't have to play with every man they see when you
take them around the block.
*Men are a little bit more subtle.
*Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
*Men open their own cans.
*Dogs have dog breath all the time.
*Holiday Inns accept men.
*Men are strong and like to lift things to prove it.
*It's fun to dry off a wet man.
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