Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Perfecting the English Language

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, 
the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study 
in ways of improving efficiency in communications between 
Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English 
spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, 
plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed 
is a phased programme of changes to iron out these 
anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered 
by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest 
using `s` instead of the soft `c`. Sertainly, sivil servants 
in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the 
hard `c` could be replaced by `k` sinse both letters are 
pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in 
the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made 
with one less letter.

There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, 
it was anounsed that the troublesome `ph` would henseforth 
be written `f`. This would make words like `fotograf` twenty 
per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan 
be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated 
shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the 
removal of double letters which have always been a deterent 
to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent `e`s in the 
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and 
kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By 
this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and 
peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing `th` by 
`z`. Perhaps zen ze funktion of `w` kould be taken on by 
`v`, vitsh is, after al, half a `w`. Shortly after zis, ze 
unesesary `o kould be dropd from words kontaining `ou`. 
Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations 
of leters.

Kontinuing  zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a 
reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor 
trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand 
ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.


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