Lee's Funnies

Some "genuine" translations from around the world

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting
behaviours in bed.
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact,
crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its
solitude.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig lift:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

Hotel lift, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Hotel, Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.

Sign in men's toilet in Japan:
To stop leak turn cock to the right.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily
except Thursday.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient
self-service.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.

Outside a dress shop, Paris:
Dresses for street walking.

Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
Ladies have fits upstairs.

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will
execute customers in strict rotation.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Hotel, Vienna:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for this purpose.

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

From a Russian book on chess:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
variation has been played.

A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop. Drive sideways.

A Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice-cream.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

Doctor's office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Hotel, Acapulco:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner,
Japan:
Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in
your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.


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