Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, 
received a check the other day for $1,000 from the 
government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the 
"not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best 
type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best 
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I 
approach this endeavor in keeping with all government 
policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if 
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as 
easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be 
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't 
raised.  If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I 
get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a 
small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 
"not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the 
first year. Then I can buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay 
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for 
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started 
not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good 
time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so 
please send me any information on that also.  In view of 
these circumstances, I understand that the government will 
consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for 
unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming 
elections.

Patriotically yours, Duster Benton

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute 
more free cheese?


Click here to return to the main page