Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Historical Humour

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers ... 
(GCSEs are exams taken in England and Wales.)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all 
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and 
travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that 
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the 
first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were 
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, 
asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where 
they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any 
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten 
commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred 
porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and 
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had 
myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by 
another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around 
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an 
overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a 
dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, 
hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History 
calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place 
for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the 
battlefields of Gaul.. The Ides of March murdered him 
because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he 
gasped out: "Tee Hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his 
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized 
by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man 
should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The 
greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote 
many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow 
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen 
she was a success. When she exposed herself before her 
troops they all shouted "hurrah!"

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. 
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another 
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter 
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented 
cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake 
circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William 
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his 
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only 
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies comedies, and 
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet 
are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to 
be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel 
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was 
John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died 
and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher 
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while 
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, 
the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was 
called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one 
for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were 
born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the 
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would 
send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally 
the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for 
taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the 
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin 
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of 
Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two 
cats backwards and declared, "a Horse divided against itself 
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was 
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution 
the people enjoyed the right to bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. 
Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log 
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln 
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. 
On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater 
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving 
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth a 
supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire 
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly 
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the 
trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions 
and had a large number of children. In between he practiced 
on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died 
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer 
in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half 
Italian, and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He 
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the 
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven 
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it 
happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an 
heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a 
baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the 
British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a 
thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced 
virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many 
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand 
and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the 
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus 
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work 
of 100 men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles 
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. 
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of 
the Marx Brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of 
the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the 
anals of human history.


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