Lee's Funnies

1. Q:  How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

2. Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Four. One to screw it in and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

3. Q:  How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  Six. One to screw it in and five to share the experience.

4. Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A:  Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

5. Q:  How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A:  None -- they screw in hot tubs!

6. Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  None, I'll just sit here in the dark ...

7. Q:  How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

8. Q:  How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  Two. One to change it and the other to check for bugs.

9. Q:  How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

10. Q:  How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Depends on what you want to change it into.

11. Q:  How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

12. Q:  How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.

13. Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
    A2:  Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

14. Q:  How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  Are you kidding?
    A2:  50.
    Q2:  Why 50?
    A3:  It's in the contract.

15. Q:  How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun and the cocker spaniel (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)

16. Q:  How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

17. Q:  How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

18. Q:  How many creatures from (sorority) does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.

19. Q:  How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.

20. Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  Two. One to do it and one not to.
    A2:  "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
    A3:  Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own light with them.
    A4:  Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
    A5:  A tree in a golden forest.

21. Q:  How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  None. It's a hardware problem.
    A2:  Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

22. Q:  How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
    A2:  None. They always work in the dark.

23. Q:  How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

24. Q:  How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Only one, but it may take him / her more than five years to do it.

25. Q:  How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Only one, but it takes 6000 Russian troops to make sure he doesn't go on strike.

26. Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself.

27. Q:  How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

28. Q:  How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Oooh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!

29. Q:  How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
    A2:  None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

30. Q:  How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

31. Q:  How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

32. Q:  How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

33. Q:  How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "fight darkness."

34. Q:  How many Glaswegians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  None of your f*****g business.

35. Q:  How many pre-meds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two -- one to screw it in, and another to kick the ladder out from under him.

36. Q:  How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  None, because inside every light bulb lie the seeds to its own revolution.

37. Q:  How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the mineral water.

38. Q:  How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.

39. Q:  How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.

40. Q:  How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

41. Q:  How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  That's not funny!
    
42. Q1:  How many Cliffie b**ches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1:  It's Radcliffe women, and THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

43. Q:  How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

44. Q:  How many martians (mutants) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two and a half.

45. Q:  How many polite Glaswegians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Both of them.

46. Q:  How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.

47. Q:  How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Four: one to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!

48. Q:  How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1:  Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
    A2:  Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

49. Q:  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two. That's all that will fit.

50. Q:  How many Anarchists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  ALL of them!!

51. Q:  How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.

52. Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

53. Q:  How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.

54. Q:  How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

55. Q:  How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

56. Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Three, but they're really only One.

57. Q:  How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

58. Q:  How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

59. Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

60. Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

61. Q:  How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Only one, but it sure takes a big load of light bulbs!

62. Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

63. Q:  How many people from Sicily does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

64. Q:  How many does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  10. One to hold the bulb and the other nine to rotate the ladder.
    
65. Q:  How many strong does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  100. One to hold the bulb and the other 99 to rotate the house.

66. Q:  How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

67. Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  How many can you afford?
    A2:  53: Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

68. Q:  How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

69. Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
    
70. Q:  How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
    A:  This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

71. Q:  How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A1:  None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
    A2:  Just one. Excuse me, but could you please test the socket with your finger while I get a new bulb?

72. Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?

73. Q:  How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.

74. Q:  How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

75. Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

76. Q:  How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.

77. Q:  How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  151, one to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

78. Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000"

79. Q:  How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

80. Q:  How many pygmies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  At least three (height???)

81. Q:  How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

82. Q:  How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and ....

83. Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

84. Q:  How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

85. Q:  How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Two: One to screw it in and observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

86. Q:  How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  one.

87. Q:  How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

88. Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

89. Q:  How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to write a program insuring that no one else changes the bulb at the same time.

90. Q:  How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1:  101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
    A2:  Just one, but he has to be on top.

91. Q:  How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

92. Q:  How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

93. Q:  How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.

94. Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Billions and billions.

95. Q:  How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

96. Q:  How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

97. Q:  How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Seventeen. "Do YOU have a problem with that!"

98. Q:  How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  252: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

99. Q:  How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

100. Q:  How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
     A:  If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

101. Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
     A:  Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
     

     Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
     

     The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
     

     1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
     

     2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
     

     3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
     

     NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."