Lee's Funnies
The Legume Liberation League
(c) 1987, 1989 by Diann
Even as you read these words, in this country alone millions
of innocent and helpless living vegetables are being
tortured alive. Some are tossed into cauldrons of boiling
hot water; others suffer the indignities of being steamed to
slow deaths in pressure cookers, and countless thousands
more are being masticated alive. Yes, the lot of a vegetable
in America is not a pleasant or a happy one.
From artichokes to beans, from celery to eggplant, from
grapes to kiwi fruits, from lettuce to mangoes, from onions
to persimmons, from raspberries to turnips, from yams to
zucchini, the entire world of vegetables, fruits and nuts is
under assault by the inconsiderate masses of humanity who
wantonly destroy hapless vegetation which lacks even the
animal's capacity for escape. These hordes of humanity will
thoughtlessly destroy whole fields of produce without
betraying even the slightest thought of concern towards the
sensitive feelings of these beautiful creatures as they die.
You've saved the whales. You've banned the Bomb. Now, you
are ready for the greatest challenge of them all: the rights
of the least of our brothers on this SpaceShip Earth.
Boycott fruits, vegetables and nuts. Read on for salient
facts:
* It is well-established that plants are sensitive to your
emotions. Houseplants have been shown to have an affinity
for music. Think of this the next time you snap a celery
stalk -- plants can and do feel pain.
* Under the guise of "Salad," many plants are ingested by
humans while still *horrors* raw and ALIVE. These plants,
were their root systems still intact (it is another
barbarous practice to remove the root system from a plant,)
would be able to grow and live normal, healthy lives. Other
plants are able to regenerate new roots, and for them it is
a double crime to end their struggling lives so short of
their goal. Eating living matter in such a state is no less
disgusting in today's civilized world as eating still-living
chickens or cattle.
* The eating of nuts is actually a form of plant abortion,
as nuts are actually tiny plant embryos who have not yet had
the chance to experience the wonders and the glories of
life. If you are pro-Life, you will not touch another nut.
* In this society, humans eat far more fruits (the female
portion) than flowers (generally incorporating both the male
and the female portion) of plants. How this sexist behavior
of avoiding eating the male portion of plants arose would
fill volumes, but if you have at all had your consciousness
raised by Feminist thought, you will desist immediately from
the eating and murder of fruits, if only to atone for the
centuries of sexual domination of the male over the
defenseless female fruit. Many fruits also contain edible
seeds -- as with the nuts, eating these destroys countless
unborn embryos.
* There is a callous brutality exceeding anything in the
meat-packing industry when it comes to shipping the unlucky
legumes, fruits, nuts and assorted vegetables, and
displaying them in "produce" departments. Damaged end dying
vegetables intermingle among the reasonably healthy ones,
all jam-packed together with little breathing room -- a
barbarous practice, to say the least, which insults the
dignity of any plant.
* Supermarket-grade vegetables are all-too-frequently
subject to additional indignities -- tomatoes are force-fed
ethylene glycol while immature to induce a bright red color;
bananas are injected to keep them artificially fresh longer
-- the horror stories of these drug-induced plant stupors
abound. Even the living conditions while these poor
creatures are growing in the field are less than optimal -
being sprayed by deadly insecticides, being force-fertilized
with plant hormones, being made to grow in crowded
situations only among other plants of their own kind,
without the needed stimuli of the diversity of their natural
habitat.
* And the horror of the existence of many of the
genetically-altered and very unnatural plants which humanity
has created is almost inconceivable to many people today --
it is well to remember that the Aztecs, while they were
sacrificing humans upon their altars, were also sacrificing
corn upon the altar of genetic perfectability.
* Another spine-chilling horror foisted upon the plant
kingdom is the pulverizing of helpless and living fruit end
vegetable flesh into various jellies, jams, and juices. The
same happens in the manufacture of ketchup and apple sauce.
What can YOU do?
Write your Congressman. Boycott all grains, fruits,
vegetables and nuts. Boycott all products made from grains,
fruits, vegetables or nuts. Support research in creating
artificial food. A lot of progress is being made in this
area, as evidenced by the proliferation of fast food
emporiums across the countryside. If you have already ceased
eating most animal matter for similar reasons, be aware that
one may still safely eat non-fertilized chicken eggs, milk,
and milk products (even yogurt -- the Yeast and Paramecium
Protection Party are obvious crackpots -- single-celled
organisms haven't the capacity to feel pain.) Drink water.
Write your local PBS station to protest the showing of
episodes of the Dr. Who who wears a dying stick of celery in
his lapel. Stop using plant names in a derogatory fashion --
calling people fruity or nutty or vegetables in an
uncomplimentary manner only makes it the harder for the true
fruits and nuts and the rest of the vegetable kingdom to
come into their own natural rights, free of discrimination.
And, don't forget to support the Legume Liberation League in
its unending legal struggle to ban the importation and sale
of vegetable matter anywhere. We at LLL are also considering
seeking voting rights for those plants of legal age end
over.
Remember: Plants were here first. Don't they get any rights?
Thank you for your generous support in this time of crisis.
(A request may be made for our other pamphlet, "Houseplant
Liberation: An Idea Whose Time Has Come.")
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