Lee's Funnies

                                                     

                       More male bashing

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. 
Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men 
and enriching their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the 
Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a 
token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a 
small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of 
curing all diseases, providing an infinite supply of clean 
energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently 
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire 
Earth. You decide:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United 
Nations.

C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful 
life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection 
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is 
the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for 
business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal 
disease.

B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.

C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate 
hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him 
provided that:

(1) He is legally within the base path,

(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and

(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard 
enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's 
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with 
her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are 
taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's 
reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she 
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can 
no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your 
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you 
want to get married; only whether you believe that you have 
some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a 
future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you 
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to 
make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by 
holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on 
third and seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and 
you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing 
the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what 
may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after 
dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say 
her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze 
blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and 
asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your 
first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and 
developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones 
were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear 
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real 
guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we 
are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly 
trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly 
jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate 
relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable 
explanation for the fact Moses led the Israelites all over 
the place for forty years before they finally got to the 
Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land 
when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. The remote control.


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