Lee's Funnies

                                                     

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Revised Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for 
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of 
personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on 
early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the 
younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end 
of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed 
into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP 
(Sever Late Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to 
look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are 
SLAPPED, they can request a review of their employment 
records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of 
the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of 
Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an 
appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT 
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the 
terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, 
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the 
company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be 
entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired 
Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum 
Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS 
(Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES or 
CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has 
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED 
by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain 
on board that the company will continue its policy to train 
employees through our Special High Intensity Training 
(SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our 
employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT 
than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do 
not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate 
supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make 
sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Note: Another version uses RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel 
Early) in place of SLAP.


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