Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to 
purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.

The new product will be named "Microsoft God" and should be 
available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many 
people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave 
McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division.  
"Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will 
add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not 
only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include 
a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all 
worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous 
versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or 
Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties 
Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, 
making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a 
standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new 
Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active 
Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated 
via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, 
this product will allow worshippers to construct effective 
prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel 
technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to 
Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to 
construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning 
curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to 
transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a 
preset interval, the product will erase itself from the 
user's system and establish a clear line of secure 
communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of 
complimentary products for the new Religions line, which 
will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server 
product by providing a customized user interface. These 
interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, 
allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in 
much the same way as the previous version.

This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, 
Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with 
Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is 
planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, 
that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations 
inoperable.


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