Lee's Funnies

                                                     

                 OUTLINE OF IMPORTANT EVENTS
                           or
                    A HYSTERICAL REVIEW

	The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called 
mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by 
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the 
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the 
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built 
the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. 

	The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the 
first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were 
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, 
once asked "Am I my brother's son?" G-d asked Abraham to 
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, 
stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who 
brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did 
not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to 
the Israelites. 

	Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread 
without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they 
made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any 
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to 
get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at 
playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of 
people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's 
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. 

	Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The 
Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, 
and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the 
River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears 
in "The Iliad" by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in 
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on 
his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by 
another man of that name. 

	Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around 
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an 
overdose of wedlock. 

	In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, 
hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the 
victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was 
democratic because people took the law into their own hands. 
There were few wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high 
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors 
were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks 
were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. 

	Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History 
calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place 
for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in 
their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the 
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because 
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel 
tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the 
fiddle to them. 

	Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the 
Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harem 
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings and Joan 
of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta 
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the 
same offense. 

	In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. 
The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many 
poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tail 
tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple 
while standing on his son's head. 

	The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals 
felt the value of the human bean. Martin Luther died a 
horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was an 
age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented 
the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because 
he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the 
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the 
world with a 100-foot clipper. 

	The government of England was a limited mockery. 
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess 
on his knee. When Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her 
troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navel went out 
and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. 

	The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William 
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous 
only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his 
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one 
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his 
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In 
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the 
King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an 
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as 
Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hole." The 
next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise 
Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." 

	During the Renaissance America began. Christopher 
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while 
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, 
the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the 
Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they 
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, 
who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. 
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of 
the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, 
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a 
hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies 
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 

	One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the 
English tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send 
their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the 
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. 

	Delegates from the original thirteen states formed 
the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and 
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of 
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his 
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He 
invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, 
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died 
in 1790 and is still dead. 

	George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due 
time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution 
of the United States was adopted to secure domestic 
hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the 
right to keep bare arms. 

	Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. 
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log 
cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was 
President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion 
there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg 
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the 
back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the 
Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave 
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would 
torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. 
It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of 
April 15, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in 
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The 
believed assimilator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly 
insane actor. This ruined Lincoln's career. 

	Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a 
reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote 
a book called "Candy." Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. 
It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are 
falling off the trees. 

	Bach was the most famous composer in the world and 
so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and 
half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the 
present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He 
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the 
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven 
expired 1827 and later died for this. 

	France was in a very serious state. The French 
Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The 
Marseillaise was the theme song of the French revolution, 
and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, 
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. 
Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and 
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with 
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He 
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was 
a baroness, she couldn't bear children. 

	The sun never set on the British Empire because the 
British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. 
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 
63 years. Her reclining years, and finally the end of her 
life, were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was 
the final event which ended her reign. 

	The nineteenth century was a time of many great 
inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat 
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse 
invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a 
cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote 
the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. 
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. 

	The First World War, caused by the assignation of 
the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals 
of human history. 

                         * * * *

	This brings us to 1914. We invite your contributions 
describing or outlining events that took place during the 
past three quarters of a century. 

	Errors of fact or mistakes in spelling are welcome. 
With your help we may possibly be able to mail an update in 
time for next Purim. 

                                  W. S. 


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