Lee's Funnies

"Pardon me, young lady. I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your
number?"

"Whom are you working for?" "Same people. My wife and four kids."

"Is that you, darling?" "Yes, who is calling?"

John: "I'm glad you named me John."
Mother: "Why?"
John: "Because that's what all the kids at school call me."

My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought her an atlas.

I shall continue to praise the English climate till I die, even if I
die of the English climate.

Some people are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and
listen to them.

Flattery is telling the other fellow what he thinks of himself.

Rain - something that, when you take an umbrella, it doesn't.

What can you expect from a day that begins with getting up in the
morning?

I was born on the first of the month so they called me "Bill."

Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married
just to be different.

Running after women never hurt anybody. It's the catching that does
the damage.

She has been stopped by traffic cops so often they finally gave her a
season ticket.

She is so modest, she just bought a bathing suit with sleeves.

"Do you always bathe in muddy water?"
"It wasn't muddy when I got in."

"Can you describe the missing cashier?"
"Sure. He is five feet tall and $7,000 short."

"What is the worst month for soldiers?"
"A long March."

"How old do you think I am?"
"You don't look it."

The best time to miss a train is at a crossing.

"How did you break your arm?"
"You see those porch stairs? I didn't."

"Did you strike that man in the excitement?"
"No, Judge. I struck him in the stomach."

"Doctor, you gave my wife arsenic instead of sleeping powder!"
"That's O.K. You only owe me ten cents."

How did you get that black eye?"
"Her husband heard me cough in the closet."

"They tell me you kiss with your eyes open."
"Yes I always look before I lip."

I never stir the coffee with my my right hand. I use a spoon.

He is so polite, he wouldn't open an oyster without knocking on the
shell first.

I was married for five years and never told anybody. I like to keep my
troubles to myself.

She tried to bake her birthday cake but the candles melted in the
oven.

"Are you an avid reader?"
"I don't know. I never read Avid."

"What book do you like the best?"
"My husband's cheque book."

"You were the only survivor of the shipwreck. How come?"
"I missed the boat."

It's so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.

"Did you ever speak before a big audience?"
"Yes, I said 'Not Guilty'."

A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.

If I don't pay alimony this month, can my wife repossess me?

The best way to avoid a car accident is to travel by bus.

"My advice, sir, is to keep the oil and change the car!"

"We got a new baby in our house."
"What did you do with the old one?"

"Quick, bring a hammer. There's a fly on the baby's head!"

My wife and I have a joint account. I deposit and she draws it.

"To what do you attribute your old age?"
"The fact that I was born a long time ago."

We have an automatic air-conditioner. Every time the weather gets very
hot it automatically breaks down.

Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid
off, and the following generation buys again.

She's been married so many times that wedding bells sound like an
alarm clock to her.

We feed our cows money and hope they will give us rich milk.

"That's a beautiful pleated shirt you are wearing."
Those aren't pleats. It's the way my wife irons."

Every time I ask what time it is I get a different answer.

"She sure is a striking beauty."
"You said it! She slapped me."


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