Lee's Funnies
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new
Prime Minister (The Rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly
you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
Oxford ENGLISH???? Why don't we just ask Tony Blair himself
if you want a truly biased opinion. If we wanted an English
dictionary, we wouldn't have had Noah Webster write a good
version. I can't believe we haven't paid someone to re-write
that ridiculous King James bible; they never even mention
Americans once! As for the proper pronunciation of
"ALUMINUM", we didn't realize that you created this element.
Al Gore did this, didn't he?? Our pronunciation comes from
sounding out, phonetically, the original spelling which
comes from the Periodic table. Maybe we should get YOUR
country "Hooked on Phonics"; it worked for us.
I really find it hard to believe that you seem to think that
England doesn't have any rights to the English language. We
are biased as a country to the pronunciations because it's
OUR language. GET YOUR OWN!! And while you're at it, please
tell George W. Bush that people from Greece are Greek and
not Grecian. Also, please get a vice president that can
spell potato this time.
And regarding the Periodic Table.. and aluminium..
The ancient Greeks and Romans used alum in medicine as an
astringent, and in dyeing processes. In 1761 de Morveau
proposed the name "alumine" for the base in alum. In 1807,
Davy proposed the name alumium for the metal, undiscovered
at that time, and later agreed to change it to aluminum.
Shortly thereafter, the name aluminium was adopted by IUPAC
to conform with the "ium" ending of most elements. Aluminium
is the IUPAC spelling and therefore the international
standard. Aluminium was also the accepted spelling in the
U.S.A. until 1925, at which time the American Chemical
Society decided to revert back to aluminum, and to this day
Americans still refer to aluminium as "aluminum" ...
Considering Dmitri Ivancritch Mendeléeff came up with the
first version of the periodic table in 1864 I have to
believe that the Periodic table to which you refer would
pronounce the aforementioned element the CORRECT English
way..
P.S. How unlike the Americans to have a society to just
change things that have been perfectly fine for over a 100
years.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
Be careful of letting Microsoft in on this, they may have a
hostile takeover of your little island. God knows their Net
Income is higher than your GDP.
Do you mean GNP?
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
It's your penal colony. Don't be so ashamed of admitting
that you come from the same descendants.
Of course we're ashamed, they were convicts. Although I
suppose over here you'd have just given them political
positions.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.
Why is Hollywood the only city in the world responsible for
producing quality movies. Tell Liverpudlians to get off of
their arses and stop resting on their Beatles laurels.
I think you'll find that the Liverpudlians made the Titanic
which was great for Hollywood.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way
through.
"God Save the Queen" ... was this written about Elton John
or Prince Charles??
At least our national anthem isn't to the tune of an Old
English Drinking Song.!
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
In America, we would only let our girls play soccer. No use
in men playing a candy-ass game like that. Christ, you get a
yellow card for scratching someone, and a red card if you
break a nail. In American Football, you must take breaks
after every 20 seconds because you have 11 guys that average
280 lbs (sorry, I don't know the metric conversion in kg)
running full force at each other without crying and
shivering about avoiding a tackle. If you could grow them
that big back in the UK, you would understand. As for the
metric thing, when will you idiots ever buck this fad. Like
your fashion (or lack thereof), it must go.
Yes I agree, it's much better to have "Athletes" whose name
is "The Refrigerator" and whose job it is to be grossly
obese so that no one else can get past him. Also, all sports
should have its competitors wearing so much plastic armour
that no-one will get hurt. I think golf would be far more
interesting with those rules.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of
you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have
never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
OK, which will you silly Limies need more after the Anglo-
American merger; math lessons or memory-enhancement
classes?? Does 97.85% or 98.85% of us not know that there is
a world outside of our borders? If it is 98.85%, please add
2.15% and let us know what the total of this is. In any
case, it's really no surprise most Americans don't realize
that there are other countries in the world. Every time we
turn on CNN, we see America policing the world, and stopping
one bad guy after another from marauding and pillaging. We
never hear any mention of other countries doing anything.
Perhaps they do get to that later in the news, well after
American viewers have gone to bed: "....As American forces
secured Kuwait and began pulling out, we can see British
forces, led by Col. Benjamin Hill, riding in on their two-
seat bicycles, and double-decker buses.....". You guys can't
even beat the Irish, and they don't even have an army.
What do you think the A stands for in IRA ??? (Irish
Republican Army). Which incidently we could really do
without you guys contributing to so that they would not have
enough money to blow up our children in shopping malls.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will
be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".
Man, 224 years later, and you are still pissed that we
walked away from piss-poor leadership, and a weak navy. GET
OVER IT! You and the South really have to learn to forget
about the past.
This is called sarcasm ... you can look that up too.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
WOW!!! This is bold! I know that American companies have
bought out Jaguar, but there must be one decent British car
manufacturer left on that barren little rock in the middle
of the ocean, isn't there?? I never thought that I would
hear a person of English descent harboring sentiment for
Germany and their wares. What a sad state your nation must
be in. I can understand why you would want to take us over
... we actually have places that aren't cold and rainy all
year. Plus, this would allow you to get some fresh new genes
into that shallow pool of yours. I wonder if Darwin found a
lot of in-breeding with those finches.
This is interesting as I own both an American AND a German
car and believe me the German one is far better. Not only
that but I can't count the number of times I have heard
Americans say that they would never buy an American car..
Get over your patriotic sentimentality and realize that your
cars are crap... we did!
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.
We're not sure, but we think it was the Paparazzi.
Not the F*ing Bumbling Idiots?
Have a jolly day.
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