Lee's Funnies

                            Letter from Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the
new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies,
so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ... "
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The
last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is
a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include
Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd
Over By a Reindeer."

Sincerely,

Santa Claus - Member - North American Fairies and Elves Local 209


Click here to return to the main page