Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Signs of the Times

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a 
Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic 
court for having parked his car on a restricted street right 
in front of a sign that read "No Stoping." Rather than 
pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing 
letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter 
of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted 
that stoping means: "extracting ore from a stope or, 
loosely, underground." "Your Honor", said the man, "I am a 
law-abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the 
area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed." 
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal 
mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, 
"since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so 
I'll turn you loose."

"No Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs 
and botched billboards that dot the American landscape.

Here are some other signs that need to be re-signed:

At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here 
and get gas."

At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone 
in a glass container."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you 
wait."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our 
waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm!" 
"Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law." -- Sisters of 
Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: 
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night 
but Sunday."

On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not 
admitted unless with child."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons 
on the fourth floor."

In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes 
Professional Ass."

In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for 
owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention 
center."

In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of 
the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the 
lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized 
personnel."

In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced 
and Trespassers will be violated."

On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now 
available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill 
your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, 
we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 
17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool 
suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. 
Ears pierced."

In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking 
showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will 
prevent the plaster from peeling."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

On a North Carolina highway: "EAT" "300 FEET"

On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents 
kill most people from 15 to 19."

In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere 
to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: 
"Parking for birds only."

In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM 
Midnight."

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live 
lobsters."

In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve with a cast 
of thousands!"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person 
to leave please see that the perpetual light is 
extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from 
picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On a New Hampshire road: "Will build to suit Emory A. Tuttle"

On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without 
permission."

In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available 
until the public stops taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is 
under water the road is impassable."

Similarly in a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read 
this, it's time you wash your car."


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