If you don't like puns, forget it.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each one carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot around the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad ... or maybe my older brother Collin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Collin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man became conscious in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms."

I went to a seafood disco party last week and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

• A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
• When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.