Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Thoughts ...

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets 
mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his 
head out the window." Steve Bluestone

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an 
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George 
Carlin

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." 
Carol Leifer

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they 
would not be caught dead in otherwise." Roger Simon

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots 
wore helmets." Dave Edison

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without 
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." Johnny Carson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the 
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out 
to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your 
headache." Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I 
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody 
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking 
three." Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of 
alphabet soup?" John Mendoza

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's 
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species 
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other 
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of 
vacuum cleaners." Jeff Stilson

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a 
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt 
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your 
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before 
you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more 
specific." Lily Tomlin

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway 
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... could be 
eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery


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