Lee's Funnies
The Top 193 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously
imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair
beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit
box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least
tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot
him then say "No."
8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony,
not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
carried out.
9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it
will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked
"Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders
will work just as well.
11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in
the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able
to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into
them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is
absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is
just putting his plan into operation.
16.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would
easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the
hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so
occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.
21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as
opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to
have a more positive mind-set.
22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any
energy field bigger than my head.
23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way --
even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
spears and rocks.
24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes
some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is
completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just
as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have reduntant
control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully
loaded weapons at all times.
28.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I
could not accidentally stumble.
29.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will
be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they
have no source of comic relief.
31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary
waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the
hero or his sidekick.
32.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how
evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel
bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from
black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make
you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If
they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him.
After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and
have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
vengeance towards me in my old age.
39.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of
Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as
early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever
sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him
around.
43.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she
claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I
just let her in on my plans.
44.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of
the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my
organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him,
say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I
will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a
callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness.
Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my
troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a
Want-Ad in the local paper.
50.My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely
incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful
princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform
me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me,
NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because
I feel like being contrary.
55.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror.
However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I
will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a
man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's
manual.
58.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a
one-liner.
59.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using.
If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
passwords.
61.If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not
proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which
intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with
none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64.I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre
compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65.If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of
my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be
the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
Containment.
66.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone
press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter
by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every
surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it
encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to
spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved
hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised
by creatures of the wild.
70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least
two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
71.If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I
will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull
out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors
assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor
can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying
on top of my desk.
75.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around
waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to
push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as
my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is
out of earshot before making the offer.
78.I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be
"And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79.If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been
employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting
time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to
finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically
turning around to find out what he saw.
82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam
to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any
reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to
switch with him.
84.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. ``Align the 12
Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total
eclipse.'' Instead it will be more along the lines of ``Push the button.''
86.I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct
walkways above them.
88.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then
send the same group out to try the task again.
89.After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax
my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held
the weapon and I took it from him.
90.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the
door.
91.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my
personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged
perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me
alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me,
I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of
purely sentimental value.
95.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a
prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a
trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals
the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything
that can be unravelled.
98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find
they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced
them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other
except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point
there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100.In order to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of
them with free unlimited Internet access.
101.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll
do it myself.
102.I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to
anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
103.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not
show them any.
104.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization,
nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105.I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will
make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the
damage he's caused.
106.If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my
prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break
into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
107.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are
able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for
no good structural reason.
108.Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character
who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an
outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and
denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That
way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110.I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum
before the trap is sprung.
111.I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112.I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively
inconspicuous talismen.
113.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high
double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114.I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115.I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
116.If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few
token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117.No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
118.If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever
that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119.I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind
up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120.Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my
personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
121.If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not
attempt to use it regardless.
122.The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at
each other.
123.If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to
remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
124.Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate
his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to
risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a
falling-out with his father many years ago.
125.Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water
filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten
minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring
camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
126.Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll
simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
127.Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will
deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting
food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
128.I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be
re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
129.Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
130.All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero
knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131.I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132.Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background
investigation and security clearance.
133.If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll
have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and
maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134.If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will
not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he
attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A
rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
135.My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in
case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY
advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136.If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and
make every wire red.
137.Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically
intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that
could use the extra budget.
138.The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting.
Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more
effective.
139.If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small
woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they
disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140.I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot.
If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search
for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel
waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is
obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141.As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy
jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's
attempts to win the hero.
142.If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old
granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first
explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an
explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him
into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil
Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
143.If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will
congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and
proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at
least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a
parade in his honor.
144.I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and
have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to
the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
145.My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy
atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
146.If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are
not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
147.I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted.
Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
148.Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly
work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't
possibly work.
149.Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and
chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
150.I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full
range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and
"blow up the planet".
151.I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
152.I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body
armor goes well with every outfit.
153.My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is
prophesized that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of
non-traditional gender roles.
154.I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are
searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first
ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155.If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors,
teachers, and/or best friends.
156.If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish
them off if more conventional means are available.
157.Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days
after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
158.I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes.
Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for
Grandma's Potato Salad.
159.If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will
not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
160.Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass
peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to
distract them.
161.I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not
always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
162.If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
163.When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through
thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
164.I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of
misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
165.As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That
way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't
read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
166.If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep
falling for the same trick over and over again.
167.If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the
brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate
and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat
and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
168.I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I
will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
169.If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small
business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
170.I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed
fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
171.I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously
easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
172.I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling
sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and
alert to finish out his shift.
173.Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one
who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
174.If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt
to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the
safety of my fortress and order his execution.
175.I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an
appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
176.I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even
dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
177.If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold
her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college
tuition.
178.If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind
you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead
I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the
hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading
for him.
179.I will not outsource core functions.
180.If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate
in reverse.
181.I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay
attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
182.I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to
members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavillion.
183.Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge
suppressor.
184.I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when
confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if
everyone sounds British).
185.If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order
a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
186.I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly
helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
187.I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests
doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
188.I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a
quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
189.I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to
that incompetant old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the
curtain.
190.If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs
more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using
a beta version.
191.I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most
breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
192.If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being
replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193.If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent
death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with
his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted,
naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of
dramatic climax.
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