Lee's Funnies
Texas Rangers
Long ago lived a Texas Ranger named Captain Bravo. He was a tough man,
who showed no fear. One day, while he and his company of Rangers were
riding across the Llano Estacado, a ranger riding in advance spotted a
band of 50 Comanches approaching and galloped back and nervously
reported what he spotted.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt!"
A young Ranger quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while
wearing the bright bibbed shirt he led his men into battle and
defeated the Comanches.
The next day, one of the scouts spotted not 50, but 100 Comanches. The
captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the
Indians.
That evening, all the men sat around on the campfire recounting the
day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did
you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will
not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a
tough man.
As dawn came the next morning, the guard spotted not 50, not 100, but
1000 Comanches approaching. The company of Rangers all stared in
silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the advancing hoard of
Comanches without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown
pants!".
Cowboy in Church
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park
my old horse in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly
fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that perty lady said when I sat
down beside her."
We Use It To Catch Cows
A young man from the city, Joe, really wanted to be a cowboy. Taking
pity on him, an Oklahoma rancher decided to hire the lad and give him
a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch
cows."
"I see," said Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the
lariat. "And what do you use for bait?.."
Comfortable
A young rancher and his wife are trying to start a ranch in Oklahoma.
They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their
herd. The rancher takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to
Texas to buy a bull.
He eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell him a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
He buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd
like to send a telegram to my wife in Oklahoma that says: Have found
the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells him, "Telegrams to anywhere in the
U.S. are $.75 per word."
He thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one
word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the young rancher.
The man asks, "I'm sorry sir, but is your wife gonna understand this
telegram?"
The rancher replies, "My wife is a blonde and reads REAL slow, when
she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
Being Creative With Troublesome Kin
You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example,
let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking
in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in
Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus,
showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are
the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885.
Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply
crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image
processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in
1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government
facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by
the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away
during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform
upon which he was standing collapsed."
Family Resemblance
An old codger who lived in a remote wilderness decided it was time to
go in to town. In the general store he picked up a mirror and looked
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a
picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every
morning before going about his business he would go in to the barn and
look at the image.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One
day, after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old
gal he's runnin' after."
You might be a cowboy
If your horse trailer cost more than your house trailer, you might be
a cowboy.
If you refer to your spurs as the family silver. If you can jump from
a moving horse on to the horns of a runaway steer and never lose your
hat you might be a cowboy.
If your son is named after your prize bull. If your bathtub is a
stock tank. If your horse brush is also your hairbrush you might be a
cowboy.
If sleeping on the ground makes you feel rested..
If you refer to Saturday night as "bath night".
If you smell more like a horse than your horse does, you might be a
cowboy.
If your idea of fun is being tied to a two-thousand pound, snot
slinging, raging bull…you might be a cowboy.
If you do all your Christmas shopping at the feed and tack store.
If your favorite fragrance is "Leather" you might be a cowboy.
And last but not least, you know you're a real cowboy if you give your
word, shake on it, and stand behind it, no matter what.
Give me twenty shots of whiskey, quick!
A cowboy ran into a saloon and said to the bartender, "Give me twenty
shots of whiskey, quick!"
The bartender poured out the shots and the cowboy gulped them all
down.
Said the bartender, "Say, I never saw anyone drink that fast!"
To which the cowboy replied, "Well you'd drink that fast if you had
what I have!"
"Oh, my God! What is it? What do you have?" said the saloon keeper.
"Fifty cents!" answered the cowboy.
Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry
Walking through Tombstone, a cowboy sees a building with the sign,
"Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.
The cowboy asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's
Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The cowboy asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this
country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was
big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say,
"Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, 'Sem Ting'."
Heads Up Class ... Pop Quiz!
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor, to the student from Boston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from New
York. "Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the
opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be
giddy up!"
A young ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Texas and stops to entertain in a
saloon.
He's going through his usual cowpoke jokes, when a big burly cowboy in
the audience stands up and says threateningly: "I've heard just about
enough of your smart mouth jokes - we ain't all stupid here in Texas!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big cowboy
interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister - I'm talking to
the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
Not in Texas Anymore
A cowboy from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was baren
with no greenery and hotter than San Antonio in July. Nothing much
around but snakes and scorpions. A hot wind was blowing dust in his
eyes.
He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks
just like Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"
Help Wanted
A sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a cowboy went in to try out for
the job.
"OK," the sheriff said, "what is 1 and 1?"
"11" the cowboy replied.
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
"Now the last one. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The cowboy thought really hard and finally said, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that?" the sheriff suggested.
So, the cowboy went home and his wife asked him how it went.
The cowboy replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"
A Big Hole
Two cowboys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole.
"Wow ... that looks deep." "Sure does ... toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait ... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep ... here ... throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple watermelon-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait ... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on
his face and says, "Hey ... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad
tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's
GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as
fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into
the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen ...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles
over.
"Hey ... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My Ruby was
chained to a railroad tie."
SUPPLIES!!
Back in the late 1800's a mine owner was hiring new workers.
A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man
alive." The owner hires him on the spot.
A Irishman wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man
alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man
too.
A Chinaman walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about
hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as
good as they say I won't need any more help but I'll put you in charge
of supplies."
The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure
enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate......The
Irishman is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out.
He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere.
He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a
dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"
The Stranger
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer.
The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids.
No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of
brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and
vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his
boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle,
blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for ... rustling ...
A Stranger in Town
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. The
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished, he discovered that his horse was missing. He came
back into the bar, twirlled his six-guns into the air, caught them
without even looking and fired into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU
SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No
one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I
DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUUUUUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted uneasily.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out
of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy looked back and said, "I had to walk home ..."
Takin' a Holliday
It's 1880's, the era of gunslingers. This is the story of a young man
who wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected
gunslinger in the west.
The place was Tombstone, Arizona, the Boot Hill Saloon. The young man
walked into the saloon and, to his surprise, saw Doc Holliday sitting
at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Doc and said,
"Doctor Holliday, I would like to be a gunfighter just like you. Could
you give me some tips?"
Holliday put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I
don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be
detrimental to my health but, for you I'll make an exception. Step
back and let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back. Holliday looked him over and said, "Son, you
look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns
with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunfighter. But what's more
important son, can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol
from his right holster and, without aiming, shot the cuff link off of
the piano player's right sleeve.
Holliday said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your
left hand?"
Before Doc could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol
from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's
left shirt sleeve. The young man proudly blew the smoke away from his
six shooter and holstered his gun.
"How was that?" the boy asked.
Holliday smiled, looked up at the boy and said, "That was pretty good
shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do
have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"Well," Holliday replied, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and
ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both of your guns and
stick them down deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.
Doc put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair
and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over
there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them where
the sun don't shine!"
New Fangled Plumbing
A dusty cowpoke came in off the trail in Dodge and decided to visit
the fanciest saloon he could find. He decided the one advertising an
indoor outhouse was the one fer him.
After throwing back a few beers and eating his fill of oysters and
beefsteak he felt the call of nature.
Soon everyone heard cries of anguish coming from the bathroom. A few
minutes later everyone hears more cries of extreme pain. After a while
the bartender couldn't take any more of it and sent for Doc Peabody to
check on the feller.
"What's all the ruckus cowboy?" the Doc asked as he held his nose.
"Doc, something is wrong with this toilet," replied the cowboy.
"Everytime I pull the lever something squashes my balls".
"That wouldn't happen if you'd quit sittin on the mop bucket" replied
the good doctor.
Wedding Day
A rancher and his new bride were on their way back from the church in
town to their ranch riding in a buggy pulled by an old mule.
After a while the mule stumbled and the rancher slowly replied "That's
one!"
A little while later the mule stumbled again and the rancher replied
"That's two!"
The third time the mule stumbled the rancher pulled out his trusty
revolver and shot the mule dead.
Needless to say the bride was both shocked and angry and yelled "Why
did you do that?!! That old mule couldn't help it... !! we're five
miles from town and now we'll have to walk to the ranch...!! and it's
hot....!! and have you ever tried to walk with heels on a dirt
road...!!"
The rancher slowly replied "That's one..."
Revenge
A three legged dog walks into a saloon and sits up at the bar. As the
dog is drinking his water he carefully looks at everyone entering and
leaving the saloon.
After a while the curious bartender asks the dog what he's doing.
The dog replied "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw!"
The Test
A dusty cowpoke walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The cowboy
guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the
bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."
Cowboy: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the cowboy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar with the other bills.
Bartender: OK, here's what you have to do.
First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE
thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth ...
you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her.
Cowboy: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila
and they get crazier from there.
Bartender: "You're call. But your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a
big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a
face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Deer Hunting Texas Style
Two cowboys were deer hunting and one of them shot a huge Boon &
Crockett buck. After field dressing it they each grabbed an antler and
off they went dragging their prize. They were having a heck of a time
pulling that old buck when along came a sod-buster. When he saw the
problems they were having he suggested that they drag it by the hind
legs so that the horns would slip through the brush and not hang up.
So they did. After a while of making better progress than before one
said to the other, "It sure is easier draggin this here deer by its
back legs like that feller said !" To which the other responded,
"Yeah, but we're gettin further and further from the wagon!"
Deer Hunting Texas Style - The Rest of the Story
These same two cowboys were out deer hunting, again, and they come
across a set of tracks. One Texan says to the other Texan, "Those have
got to be buffalo tracks." The second Texan says, "Hell no, buffalo in
Texas make tracks way bigger than that, they gotta be moose tracks."
To this the first Texan replies, "They ain't moose tracks. The moose
in Texas make tracks a lot bigger than that, they gotta be elk
tracks." The second Texan still doesn't agree with him so he says,
"The elk of Texas make a track way bigger than that, there ain't no
way that them are elk tracks." While both of the Texans were arguing
about the origin of the animal that made these tracks, the train
finally came a rumbling along and killed them both.
Gunfighter
Here's a story about a gunfighter who comes to town. Big bad dude.
Riddin a beautiful white stallion. He been on a long trek and was
plumb thirsty when he come to town. So he pulls up to the front of
this here saloon, goes in and orders up a drink. He's hot, tired,
thirsty, hungry, been shot at and ain't shot nobody in over a week, so
he's packin a real bad attitude.
After a few drinks, he decides to go find a shop where he can get a
bath and a shave. As he walks around his horse, he sees that some
varmint has painted the balls of his horse a bright yellow. Oooooh boy
is he bent out of shape now. His beautiful stud has got yellow balls.
He charges up the stairs, busts into the saloon and bellows out,
"Who's the no good varmint that painted my horse's balls yellow?" Dead
silence as he looks round the room. Then at the bar this big man, I'm
talking about a biiiiigg man. Well he turns around from the bar, looks
this dude straight in the eye and says, "I painted your horse's balls
yellow. So what?" Well the dude, still madder than a wet hen bellows
back, "Well, I just wanted to tell you the first coat is dry!"
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to
drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and
said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up,
hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the
Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your
horse is about dead outside!!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was
about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water
and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little
better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you
to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to
make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again,
and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says
to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... You left your
Injun runnin"!!!"
How to Speak Texan
Ah: the person speaking or writing, "Ah am a Texan, and Ah speak
Ainglish.
Ainglish: the language spoken in the U.S., "It's easy to git around
Fort Worth, everbody speaks Ainglish."
All: petroleum, "How many all wayals do yawl own podner?"
Are: 60 minutes.
Ast: past tense of ask, "Ah ast everybody, and they said this is the
biggest round-up ever."
Banes: kidney-shaped seed "This chili shore is loaded with banes."
Beggar: larger "Everthin' is beggar in Texas!"
Cards: afraid "Fightn' outlaws & injuns isn't for cards."
Cheer: at or in this place, "Ah'll wait right cheer, if'n you won't be
too long."
Doll: to call on the telephone, "Jes doll room service fer nearly
enythin."
Fate: plural of foot, "Mah fate kayant take all this walkin'"
Mere: what you see yorself in
Minners: live bait
Mizrus: a married woman
Nack: yore haid sets on it
Nar: opposite of wide
Nup: no
Ormy: what the sojers are in
Orrel: them hinges need orrel
Pank: a light red collar (color)
Poke salit: vegetable
Puppet: what a preacher is in
Purdy: she's as purdy as a pitcher
Rah cheer: i was borned rah cheer in this town
Rang: you war it on your fanger
Rat: do it rat now
Roont: she plum roont her shoes
Salary: a white stringy vegetable
Shar: a light rain
Shurf: the shurf put joe bob in jail
Sofy: you set on it (also die-van)
Sour deans: small canned fish
Sprang: water out of the ground
Strang: twine
Phrasing: extremely cold, "We usually have a few phrasing days in
January."
Prod: highly pleased, "Ah shore am prod to be a Texan."
Riot: opposite of left, "Turn riot at the corner."
Slave: the part of the garment that covers the arm, "Yawl jus spilt
yore drank on mah slave."
Seed: past tense of see, "Ah seed it with mah own eyes."
Tar: his core blew two tars
Tard: plum tuckered out, "Punchin' cattle shore makes me tard."
Thanks: he thanks he's smart
Thow: thow me the ball
Turd floater: a heavy rain
Turpin: a land turtle
War: as in bobbed war fance
Worsh: go worsh yore face
Yurp: a continent overseas
Cowboy Insults
His family tree was a shrub.
He's so crooked, he could swaller nails an' spit out corkscrews.
He's so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.
She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Disasterous Horse Ride
Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I
went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on,
but was thrown off. To make things worse, my foot gets caught in the
stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head
continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow
down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the
Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, informing
him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk, "Would you like the bridal, then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy, "I'll just hold her by the ears 'til
she gets the hang of it."
Family Event
Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of
coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there,
fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides
to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San
Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her:
"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back
as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't
bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of
gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get the
hell away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!"
followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to
see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your
damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!
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