Lee's Funnies

                                                     

Words to Ponder ...

Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it, done it, can't remember it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

She's perpetually late. Her ancestors arrived on the 
Juneflower.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains 
so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

Out of my mind ... be back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I just let her 
sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain just to 
be a Vegetarian!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is 
like the IRS.

No radio. Already stolen.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and it came back negative.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every moment of it.

IRS motto: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear.

We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. 
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound 
they make as they go flying by.

3. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a 
parked car.

4. There are very few personal problems that cannot be 
solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

5. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along 
without it.

6. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're 
the statue.

7. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't 
there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be 
needing him again.

8. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception 
problem.

9. My Reality Check bounced.

10. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the 
escape key.

Of teenagers: "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier." 

11. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding 
through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are 
crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


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