In the following message the letters stand only for radio signals (bips, beeps, 
etc.) of a different character. The periods represents pauses.

A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.J.K.L.M.N.P.Q.R.S.T.U.V.W.Y.Z
AA.B..AAA.C..AAAA.D..AAAAA.E..AAAAAA.F..AAAAAAA.G..AAAAAAAA.H..AAAAAAAAA.I..AAAAAAAAAA.J
AKALB..AKAKALC..AKAKAKALD
AKALB..BKALC..DKALE
BKELG..GLEKB
FKDLJ..JLFKD
CMALB..DMALC..IMGLB
CKNLC..HKNLH
DMDLN..EMELN
JLAN..JKALAA..JKBLAB..AAKALAB
JKJLBN..JKJKJLCN
FNKGLFG
BPCLF..EPBLJ..FPJLFN
FQBLC..JQBLE..FNQFLJ
CRBLI..BRELCB
JPJLJRBLSLANN..JPJPJLJRCLTLANNN
JPSLT..JPTLJRD
AQJLU..UQJLAQSLV
ULWA..UPBLWB..AWDMALWDLDPU
VLWNA..VPCLWNC
VQJLWNNA..VQSLWNNNA
JPEWFGHLEFWGH..SPEWFGHLEFGWH
GIWIHYHN..TKCYT
ZYCWADAF
DPZPWNNIBRCQC

Answer

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol level.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" written on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore, 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign in a pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas ... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours, and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make bloody marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now that's a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."