I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

At my age, flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact words. (Woody Allen)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principles, if you don't like them ... I have others. (Groucho Marx)

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)