Date: Thu, 8 Jul 2004 01:03:16 -0400 (EWT)
From: "Clifford L. Pelletier"
Subject: Scot and the Dentist
 
A Scot goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth
extraction.
"$85 for an extraction sir" is the dentist's reply.
"Och huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?" pleads the Scotsman, getting
agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" says the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asks the Scot hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what
you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" says the dentist.
"Hmm, what about if yer used one of yer dentist trainees and still
without anesthetic ?" 
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee
their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful.  I
suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" offers the
dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much.  How about if ye make it a trainin' session
and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin'
and learnin?" asks the Scot hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge
you only $5 in that case" says the dentist.
"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" crows the Scot.  "Can you
confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"   
 
-- 
Why is it that when most people drive everyone going slower than they 
are is a moron, and those going faster are maniacs?

Date: Thu, 8 Jul 2004 01:08:17 -0400 (EWT)
From: "Clifford L. Pelletier"
Subject: Mother in law's death
 
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and is inspired
to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
 
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.
 
An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel for US$500.
 
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
 
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and
we can do a very nice burial here."
 
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." 
 
-- 
You don't need to take a person's advice to make him feel good -- just 
ask for it.  (Laurence J. Peter)

Date: Thu, 8 Jul 2004 21:26:30 -0400 (EWT)
From: "Clifford L. Pelletier"
Subject: Feelin' fine

From: jason.reicks@lamrc.com (Reicks, Jason)
Subject: Good wholesome humor.
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 19:20:00 PDT
 
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In
court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
 
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer.
 
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
 
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
 
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road ..."
 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. 
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
 
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."
 
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side.
 
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by
her groans.
 
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me.
 
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?"
 
-- 
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes 
to it.  Oscar Levant

A Night Out With the Girls 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I 
promised  my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours 
passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.  a bit
loaded, I headed for home. 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up  and 
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably  wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally  smashed), in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.  The next morning my husband
asked me what time I got in and I  told him "midnight." He didn't seem
pissed off at all. Whew!! Got  away with that one! 

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and  then tripped over the
coffee table and farted." 

Date: Tue, 13 Jul 2004 22:49:11 -0400 (EWT)
From: "Clifford L. Pelletier"
Subject: Age related humor

From: sdcruisers@cwnet.com (Marge)
Subject: a few cute jokes
Date: 16 Jun 2004 18:13:42 -0700
 
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she
replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-------------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement,
new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But ... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
------------------------------------------------
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell
the difference.
 
-- 
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
 
Subject: A True story - Lawyer

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things.  Within a
month, having smoked his entire cache of these cigars, and without yet
even having made his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed a claim against his insurance company.

In his claim the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in "a series of
small fires."  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason:  that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued, and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure a lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the loss of his cigars in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART ...

After the lawyer cashed the check the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of arson!!!!  With his own insurance claim and testimony
from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted
of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st Place Winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER OTHER COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!!

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how
many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up
their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up
their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one
elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.  How old are
you?"  "Ninety-three." she replied. "Mrs. Jones, please come down in
front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the
world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and
said, "I outlived those bitches."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you
getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further." I know that place. "Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new
planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The
food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just
finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,
five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really!  What'd he
say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that shitty hairdo?"

Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 16:23:20 -0400
From: "Pelletier, Clifford L."
Subject: Breaking news: Microsoft to split

(From Satire Wire)
 
Redmond, Wash.  In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states,
Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies -- one that
will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server
software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches
for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.
 
Critics immediately charged that the settlement -- which overrides a
previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice -- does nothing
to diminish Microsoft's standing as the world's most powerful software
company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for
security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth
industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control
it.
 
"Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows
XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going
to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so that's 1 billion
patches," said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. "That is an
enormous, undeveloped market."
 
Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a
"mad scramble" among staffers to position themselves for spots at the
new company, called Patchsoft.  Asked why people would want to leave
Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was "really quite
simple."
 
"Everyone here is asking themselves, 'Do I want to be part of the
problem, or part of the solution?'" he said.
 
But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. 
"Considering the sheer number of patches we're talking about, I think
the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people
who've jumped ship very well know that."
 
"Nonsense.  It's really all about consumer choice," responded
Patchsoft's new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.
 
But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free
patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer,
Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media
Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete
list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com).
Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates
said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsoft's upgrade site. 
"That was planned," he said.  "It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch
Access system.  Went perfectly.  No one was able to download anything."
 
At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney
General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to
ensure it would not overcharge for its services.  He also expressed hope
that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers
(CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off.  Asked if Patchsoft, with so many
former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential
competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the
settlement prohibits collaboration.
 
"Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or
security holes before software is released.  They'll just have to be
surprised," he said.
 
"So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft," he added.
 
One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of
Patchsoft.  "This seems like a logical split right now, but what if
Microsoft's products improve to the extent that patches are needed less
frequently, or perhaps not at all?"  she asked.
 
"I'm sorry, I can only respond to serious questions," Blumenthal
answered.
 
--

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the
hell alone.

Subject: THE SARCASM BACKFIRE From: "anna bacarella" 

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sank in.  Finally I thought of a clever way to make the
point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments when he came out again.

He handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while
before the casts will be off.

Subject: 2004 "One Brick Shy of A Full Load" Awards

Number One Idiot of 2004 

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign,
lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint
might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bankof America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stickup. Put
all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his
note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write
the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother
with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. "The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!

Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he
probably figured it out himself.

Idiot Number Six of 2004 

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was
made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that
smarts. Give him his sign.

Idiot Number Seven of 2004

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away. Sign please.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote (and
breed).  Scary, isn't it?!

Subject: If Rednecks Ruled The World


this land is your land

Freedom of Speech & The Press

My thanks to the "Northern Maine Dept. Of Research." In typical Maine
fashion the point is made without a lot of BS!

Make sure you read the last quote.  It puts everything in perspective.

"I have always strenuously supported the right of every woman to her own
opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. She who denies
another this right makes a slave of herself to her present opinion,
because she precludes herself the right of changing it."

-- Thomas Paine, 1783

"Free speech exercised both individually and through a free press is a
necessity in any country where people are themselves free."

-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1918

"The truth is found when men and women are free to pursue it."

-- Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1936

"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people
what they do not want to hear."

-- George Orwell, 1945

"Any time we deny any citizen the full exercise of his or her constitutional
rights, we are weakening our own claim to them."

-- Dwight David Eisenhower, 1963

"What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that
they are extreme, but that they are intolerant."

-- Robert F. Kennedy, 1964

"Go fuck yourself."

-- Dick Cheney, 2004

Build a better Bush

I open my shop next Monday.  I will paint any Body for $2,500.00.  I do
not paint men.  Pass the word.


Funny Signs


When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my
favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and
tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the
shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We
quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about
fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I
spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I
catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes
later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam
holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to
the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she
doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell
the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or
quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks, A fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.


 
Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it
hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so
he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We
think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with
45 people in a bus made for 24.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man
stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where
there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim,
and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete
because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It
was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the
flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on
the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure
figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some
more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris

The Lost Chapter Of Genesis



Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. 



So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" 

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. 

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be
a woman.



He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for
you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.



She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag
you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong and when you've
had a disagreement she will praise you!



She will bear your children



and never ask you to get up in the middle of
the night to take care of them.



"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely 
give you love and passion whenever you need it." 



Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" 

God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" 

Of course the rest is history ...



Re-released rock & roll songs for aging fans
 
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?"
The Temptations -- "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr -- "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo  Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Abba -- "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Bobby Darin -- "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

A.M.A. Update

 

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable
discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

  

I can't explain it. Can you?



Count the people, wait until they shift, and then count them again.

THE CLASS OF 2004

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of
the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. 

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1985.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did
not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.



There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the
Cold War.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced
when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen
a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is or know about the "Help me,
I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WW I, WW II and the
Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer,
by the way, is Ork.)

They've never heard: "Where's the beef?," "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel.," or "De plane, de plane!"
  
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.

There has always been MTV.
  
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
  
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other 20 old
fogies ... but don't send it back to me; I feel old enough.

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking ... 
surely I cannot look that old? If so you may enjoy this short story: 

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new 
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, 
I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my 
high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly 
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray_haired man with the deeply 
lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. 

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local 
high school. 

"Yes," he replied. 

"When did you graduate?" I asked. 

He answered, "In 1971. Why?" 

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. 

He looked at me closely and then the --------- asked, "What did you teach?"  

Pick The Coldest Beer

Subject: ENJOYING RETIREMENT:  
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.  Thought you'd might like to see what happened to me
last week.
 
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking
ticket.
 
I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
Nazi.
 
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a piece of horse s***. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket.
 
This went on for about 20 minutes ... the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't give a cr#p. My car was parked around the
corner.
 
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
 
-- 
Life must be lived forward, but it can only be understood backwards.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
 
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go
down three inches ... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the
fly ... and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich ...  "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a
proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there's more ... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish
jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb
hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish
jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter
shoots that bear ... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich
... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water.

      The fish swallows the fly ... 
      the bear grabs the fish ... 
      the hunter shoots the bear ... 
      the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich ... 
      the cat jumps for the mouse ... 
      the mouse ducks ... 
      the cat falls into the water and drowns. 

The moral of the story is: 

Whenever a fly goes down three inches ... some pussy is in serious danger.

You  can't read this and stay in a bad mood

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location
Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their
Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose
A Trailer.

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

Ramblings of a Retired Mind



I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on.  I can't afford one.  So, I'm wearing my
garage door opener.

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.'  I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?"  Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are
we supposed to do -- write to these men?  Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their
finals.  As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because
you came home early."

5. it's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid! ... When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly ... My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."

11. I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said! , "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said ... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper
four times -three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED web version

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.









4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD web version

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS web version

At age 4 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is ... having friends.

At age 16 success is ... having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is ... having money.

At age 50 success is ... having money.

At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license. 

At age 75 success is ... having friends.

At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. 

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER
forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!

Life is too short, Dance Naked

OSAMA WRITES TO GEORGE W.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.

Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, then
to the Secret Service.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP
(Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help.

The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a
solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The
second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"
 
No apologies to statisticians.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
guy, to come over and helped me.  Harold clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He
replied, "It was an ID ten T error."  I hated to appear stupid, but I
needed to know what was going on with the computer, so I inquired, "An,
ummm- ID ten T error? What is that? ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"
 
"No," I replied.
 
"Write it down," he said, "you might be able to figure it out."
 
So I wrote out ... I D 1 0 T error
 
I used to like Harold ...
 
-- 
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations yield
negative results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.

From: Gerry Cleary
Subject: The Wisdom of Will Rogers
Date: 10/8/04

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. 

Enjoy the following.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading.  The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER ... 

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it
is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

Helpful Hints  

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4.  For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: 
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.  If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 13:26:30 -0400
From: Pelletier 
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Subject: Software, the miracle commodity

(From Slashdot)
 
Software is a miracle commodity:
 
It's copyrightable like a book.

It's patentable like a mouse trap.

It can hold trade secrets, like a glass of Coca Cola.

The consumer has to "sign" a contract to use it, like a cellphone
account.

Advertising pitches can be included for a captive audience, just like a
movie theater.

It's artificially expensive, like a diamond.

It's a recurring source of support revenue, like a lawn service.

Its creator can disavow all liability for anything that may go wrong,
and get away with it, like ... I can't think of anything else like that!
 
Nothing else can do more than a couple of those things. Software is just
too good to be true.

Joyride

Date: Sat, 16 Oct 2004 23:35:18 -0400 (EWT)
From: "Clifford L. Pelletier" 
To: Undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: Bad analogies
 
THE WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN ON HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
 
(24 December 2003)
 
7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
 
6) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
 
5) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second
Tall Man."
 
4) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
 
3) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
 
2) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
 
1) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
 
-- 
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you 
please.  (Mark Twain)

Rednecks
 
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust
for his beloved widow.  However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
 
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They
were told 17 and under are not admitted.
 
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32! It seems
they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
 
In Mississippi reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
 
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?  There's dried
tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
 
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year
for a million years.
 
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down.  In fact it
took out the whole trailer park.
 
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40!
 
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver,
"Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

Election Humor
 
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him,
everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug
him, and reminisce about the good times they had. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the
Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St.Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never
have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The
Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning
... Today you voted for us!"

Freaky number trick
 
To: laurencelle@earthlink.net
Subject: Re: Fw: Freaky number trick - Let's try that again
From: Lee Bradley 
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 19:24:35 -0400

Let's try that one more time ...
 
1) Punch the first three digits of your home number into a calculator
(without the area code).
 
2) Multiply by 80.
 
3) Add 1.
 
4) Multiply by 250.
 
5) Add the last four digits of your home phone number (example: + 1234)
 
6) Add the last four digits of your home phone number again.
 
7) Subtract 250.
 
8) Divide by 2 ... recognize the number???? How freaky is that???
 
Piece of cake ...
 
((x*80+1)*250+y*2-250)/2 = x*10000+y = 6660000+3139 = 6663139

The Queen And Dolly
 
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day.
 
They both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to
heaven.
 
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must
decide which of them gets in.
 
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. 
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will
please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."
 
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
 
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and
gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.
 
St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."
 
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of
God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles
and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?
 
"Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats
a pair, no matter how big they are."
 
give Bush a brain 

Bohemian Rhapsody 

Ilse Berkeley (Ilse Berkeley Trumbull) sent this:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye ... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business ..."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man "Please knock on this
door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit holding a tin cup answers the
door ... This nun instructs "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks & he finds himself
back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. 
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Catholic Ladies Chatting ...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing the
importance of their grown children. The first one tells her friends, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps up, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my
son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle "Well ...?" She replies, "My son is a
gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung male stripper. Whenever he walks
into a room, women say 'My God ...'!"

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb making class when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in
my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He
said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless America!

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually
have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely
want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you
will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took m e two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me More
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front p art of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I' m worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili? 

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2029
 
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally ... scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and
Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.