Subject: FW: Verizon's Problem
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 06:22:26 -0400
From: "Laurencelle,Douglas B"
To: "George L." geomarg2@earthlink.net, DENNY
CMYSHRALL9374@CHARTER.NET, "Gerald Cleary" Cleary1977@cox.net,
lee_bradley@operamail.com
An elderly lady phoned Verizon company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions
when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole,
hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone
didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone
began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring. Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and
moaning.
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 16:23:20 -0400
From: "Pelletier, Clifford L." encyclopedic@newsguy.com
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Subject: Breaking news: Microsoft to split
(From Satire Wire)
Redmond, Wash. In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states,
Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies -- one that
will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server
software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches
for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.
Critics immediately charged that the settlement -- which overrides a
previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice -- does nothing
to diminish Microsoft's standing as the world's most powerful software
company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for
security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth
industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control
it.
"Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows
XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going
to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so that's 1 billion
patches," said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. "That is an
enormous, undeveloped market."
Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a
"mad scramble" among staffers to position themselves for spots at the
new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave
Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was "really quite
simple."
"Everyone here is asking themselves, 'Do I want to be part of the
problem, or part of the solution?'" he said.
But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive.
"Considering the sheer number of patches we're talking about, I think
the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people
who've jumped ship very well know that."
"Nonsense. It's really all about consumer choice," responded
Patchsoft's new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.
But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free
patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer,
Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media
Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete
list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com).
Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates
said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsoft's upgrade site.
"That was planned," he said. "It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch
Access system. Went perfectly. No one was able to download anything."
At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney
General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to
ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope
that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers
(CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many
former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential
competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the
settlement prohibits collaboration.
"Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or
security holes before software is released. They'll just have to be
surprised," he said.
"So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft," he added.
One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of
Patchsoft. "This seems like a logical split right now, but what if
Microsoft's products improve to the extent that patches are needed less
frequently, or perhaps not at all?" she asked.
"I'm sorry, I can only respond to serious questions," Blumenthal
answered.
--
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the
point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a
toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while
before the casts will be off.
Number One Idiot of 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign,
lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2004
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint
might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2004
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bankof America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stickup. Put
all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his
note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write
the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother
with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. "The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!
Idiot Number Five of 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he
probably figured it out himself.
Idiot Number Six of 2004
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was
made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that
smarts. Give him his sign.
Idiot Number Seven of 2004
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away. Sign please.
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote (and
breed). Scary, isn't it?!
This is a rerun, but cute COLORED FOLKS"
(This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!! )
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folk's ???
http://boldt.us/jibjab/mirror.html
http://homepage.mac.com/krousen/Bush%20site/index.html
Subject: For Burger Lovers
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 2004 11:51:14 -0400
From: "Laurencelle,Douglas B" DLAURENC@travelers.com
It's at a Pennsylvania pub that serves the world's biggest burger -
weighing in at NINE lip-smacking pounds! That's no whopper - you can
actually get this meat monster for $23.95, load with all the "fixins" ...
-Two whole tomatoes
-A half-head of lettuce
-12 slices of American cheese
-A full cup of peppers
-Two entire onions
-Plus, a river of mayonnaise, ketchup, and mustard.
Denny's Beer Barrel Pub is renowned for its 6 lb. burgers. National and
local newspapers have reviewed the burger and its main appeal seems to
be ...
NO ONE HAS FINISHED IT!!
Ads You Will Never, Ever See
Nice doggy!
Thug Life Nigerian Style - Your Rottweiler has no shot in a street
fight.
Woof just doesn't cover it ...
IF BOOKS WERE SOLD AS SOFTWARE (BY JEF RASKIN)
"If books were sold as software and online recordings are, they
would have this legalese up front:
"The content of this book is distributed on an 'as is' basis,
without warranty as to accuracy of content, quality of writing,
punctuation, usefulness of the ideas presented, merchantability,
correctness or readability of formulae, charts, and figures, or
correspondence of (a) the table of contents with the actual contents,
(2) page references in the index (if any) with the actual page
numbering (if present), and (iii) any illustration with its adjacent
caption. Illustrations may have been printed reversed or inverted, the
publisher accepts no responsibility for orientation or chirality. Any
resemblance of the author or his or her likeness or name to any
person, living or dead, or their heirs or assigns, is coincidental;
all references to people, places, or events have been or should have
been fictionalized and may or may not have any factual basis, even if
reported as factual. Similarities to existing works of art,
literature, song, or television or movie scripts is pure happenstance.
References have been chosen at random from our own catalog. Neither
the author(s) nor the publisher shall have any liability whatever to
any person, corporation, animal whether feral or domesticated, or
other corporeal or incorporeal entity with respect to any loss,
damage, misunderstanding, or death from choking with laughter or
apoplexy at or due to, respectively, the contents; that is caused or
is alleged to be caused by any party, whether directly or indirectly
due to the information or lack of information that may or may not be
found in this alleged work. No representation is made as to the
correctness of the ISBN or date of publication as our typist isn't
good with numbers and errors of spelling and usage are attributable
solely to bugs in the spelling and grammar checker in Microsoft
Word. If sold without a cover, this book will be thinner than those
sold with a cover. You do not own this book, but have acquired only a
revocable non-exclusive license to read the material contained herein.
You may not read it aloud to any third party. This disclaimer is a
copyrighted work of Jef Raskin, first published in 2004, and is
distributed 'as is', without warranty as to quality of humor,
incisiveness of commentary, sharpness of taunt, or aptness of jibe."
--
Who is Fica, and why is he taking MY money?
http://www.tbotech.com/advancedtaser.htm
From a State Trooper in Garland, TX:
Friends,
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser
gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant,
push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one
of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going
to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em ... sure would like to get
'em back.
======
--
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." (James Thurber)
Wife's revenge
That has got to be the best I've read in a long time! Good idea!
HELL HATH NO FURY ...
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ...
Repairmen refused to work in the house ... The maid quit ...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back ...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... But
only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and
within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...
... including the curtain rods.
"Job Application":
This is an actual job application that a 75-year old senior citizen
submitted to WalMart (but see ...) in Arkansas. They hired him too
because he was so honest and funny.
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at least, one
who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and We
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do You have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh Yes, Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You
haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3 4. You e-mail the person
who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in
touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally
dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for
four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn
about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't
have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway
and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial
on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving
the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or
30 (or 60) years of your life is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online
before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to
smile. :) 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even
worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 20. You
actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Adult Fairy Tales
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes,
and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking
love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly.
Peter, Peter, something or other ..."
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a ... 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know ... Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread
her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 2004 23:02:27 -0400 (EWT)
From: "Clifford L. Pelletier" encyclopedic@newsguy.com
To: Undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: The next wife
From: awouk@blackhole.nyx.net (arthur wouk)
Subject: humor
Date: 30 Aug 2004 11:28:06 -0600
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you let her wear my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "Well, I can't wear it."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Oops!"
--
A sign you are growing up: Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as
"dressed up."
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his
buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers ...
Subject: Fw: Abbott & Costello buying a Computer
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 08:59:48 -0400
ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer store): Can I help
you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just
say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3 &4. Can I
watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
1) Punch the first three digits of your home number into a calculator
(without the area code).
2) Multiply by 80.
3) Add 1.
4) Multiply by 250.
5) Add the last four digits of your home phone number (example: + 1234)
6) Add the last four digits of your home phone number again.
7) Subtract 250.
8) Divide by 2 ... recognize the number???? How freaky is that???
((x * 80 + 1) * 250 + y*2 - 250)/2 = x * 10000 + y = 6660000 + 3139 = 6663139
From: GoldenStatePoppy@comcast.net (Connie)
Subject: School Answering Machine
Date: 25 Sep 2004 15:34:04 -0700
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California)
Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring
students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and
missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their
children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those
children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the "actual" answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
"To complain about what we do - Press 3
"To swear at staff members - Press 4
"To ask why you did not get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
"To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
"To complain about school lunches - Press 0
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it is not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English
thank a veteran.
--
I can stand most kinds of housework but vacuuming sucks. (Gary Hallock)
OUTSOURCING OF JOBS REACHES THE PRESIDENT
by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill
Washington DC
Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of Dec
31st. The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of
the President's $400K yearly salary, but also a record $521 Billion in
deficit expenditures and related overhead. "We believe this is a wise
move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated
Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash). Reynolds, with the aid of the GAO
(the General Accounting Office), has studied outsourcing of American
jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world
stage with the current level of cash outlay."
Reynolds noted Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his
termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some
time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will
be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of Jan 1.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were
vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health
coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able
to handle his job responsibilities without support staff.
Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working
primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express
call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday." A
Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will
enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this
tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the
underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated
the Spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Bush will receive health overage, expenses, and salary until his
final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment
benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is
re-enlistment in the Army National Guard. Should he choose this option,
he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited.
"I've been here, I know all about Iraq ," stated Mr. Bush, who gained
invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport
nonsmoking terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say
Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have
asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might
arrange an appropriate welcome.
OH MY!!!!
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?!