WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
--------- ------- ----------
* You want <==> You want
* We need <==> I want
* It's your decision. <==> The right decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want. <==> You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk. <==> I need to complain.
* Sure, go ahead. <==> I don't want you to
* I'm hungry. <==> (a) Make me something to eat.
(b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
your last $$ and go drive across town
and get me something to eat. I don't
care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset. <==> Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* You're ... so manly. <==> You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly <==> Is sex all you ever think about?
attentive tonight.
* I'm not emotional! <==> I'm having my period.
And I'm not over-
reacting!
* Be romantic, turn <==> I have flabby thighs.
out the lights.
* This kitchen is so <==> I want a new house.
inconvenient.
* The car is empty. <==> Go fill it up.
* The trash is full. <==> Take it out.
* The dog is barking. <==> Go outside in your underwear and see what is
wrong.
* I want new curtains. <==> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
* I need wedding shoes. <==> the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture <==> NO! I mean hang it there!
there.
* I heard a noise. <==> I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? <==> I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love <==> I did something today you're really not going
me? to like.
In answer to "What's Wrong?"
* Nothing. <==> Everything.
* Everything. <==> My PMS is acting up.
* Nothing, really. <==> It's just that you're such an asshole.
* I don't want to talk <==> Go away, I'm still building up steam.
about it.
--
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame. (Meg Greenfield)
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -- this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."