WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish ..................... 49
Adventurer ................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic ................... No tits
Average looking ............ Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful .................. Pathological liar
Contagious Smile ........... Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated ................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure ......... Medicated
Feminist ................... Fat ballbuster
Free spirit ................ Junkie
Friendship first ........... Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun ........................ Annoying
Gentle ..................... Comatose
Good Listener .............. Borderline Autistic
New-Age .................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned .............. Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded ................ Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate ................. Sloppy drunk
Poet ....................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional ............... Certified Bitch
Redhead .................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque ................ Grossly Fat
Romantic ................... Looks better by candle light
Social ..................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous ................. Very Fat
Weight prop. w/ height ..... Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate ............. Stalker
Widow ...................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart ............. Old bat

MEN'S ADS

40-ish ............... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic ............. Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking ...... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated ............. Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit .......... Banging your sister
Friendship first ..... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun .................. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking ......... Arrogant
Very good looking .... Dumb as a board
Honest ............... Pathological Liar
Huggable ............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle ...... Insecure mama's boy
Mature ............... Older than your father
Open-minded .......... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit ....... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet ................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive ............ Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive ....... Gay
Spiritual ............ Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable ............... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful ........... Says "Excuse me" when he farts